Sex Work

Stop FOSTA-SESTA! Sex Worker Rights are Human Rights

This week [3/21/18], the Senate will vote on legislation that would effectively force many Internet companies—including web hosts, classified sites, and social media platforms—to ban consenting adults from advertising or promoting any sex-related services whatsoever. The law would very likely lead to a ban on advertisements for perfectly-legal adult services such as stripping, adult modeling and performing, and BDSM services (which are legal insofar as they don’t not involve genital contact.) The ban would also extend to adults advertising illegal but victimless services, such as the non-coerced exchange of sex for money between fully-consenting adults. It may even lead to censorship of consenting adults talking about these practices with each other–including discussion of how to reduce harm associated with these practices–on the Internet. And among all this, to the degree that pimps and traffickers advertise trafficked victims online, it would prevent those ads as well.

This last category—which we can all agree is a truly vile phenomenon, which must be stopped one way or another—is the putative reason for the bill. Like the “USA PATRIOT Act,” it has one of those politically-charged names that makes it damn hard to oppose, or even question, without seeming evil. The act is entitled the “Stop Enabling Sex Traffickers Act” (SESTA, which is the Senate version of the House’s similar FOSTA bill.) Could anyone oppose the USA PATRIOT Act, and still be a considered a patriot of the USA? (The answer is “Yes.”) And could anyone oppose the Stop Enabling Sex Traffickers Act, while still being opposed to sex trafficking?

The answer to that question is also “Yes.” Not only could you be opposed to FOSTA-SESTA without being evil, but you should be opposed to it, as the law is breathtakingly destructive—including destructive of the very aims it purports to address. The remainder of this piece will be aimed at persuading you of why this is so, and why you should call both your senators today and leave them messages in opposition to the bill, urgently, before they vote tomorrow.

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March 11, 2018 by
Sex

The Consent Pledge

The Consent Pledge
(for men who have sex with women)

I’m a man, and by signing here, I am publicly making this “Consent Pledge” going forward:

I commit to making sure all my sexual encounters are fully consensual. I commit to getting a clear verbal or non-verbal “yes” from my sexual partner(s) before sexual escalation. I commit to not pressuring her to say “yes,” to stop if she says “no,” and to ask if I’m unsure. I commit to stopping if–in my most honest assessment–I don’t believe that she is sober enough to give full consent.

Guys–sign the Consent Pledge here.

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February 25, 2018 by
Sex

Beyond the Courtship Script: “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” and the Ironies of Contemporary Sexual Morality

(Screen shot from the first film interpretation of “Baby, It’s Cold Outside,” in “Neptune’s Daughter,” 1949)

The “Courtship Script” is a set of assumptions–with a long history and widespread social acceptance–about how heterosexual men and women go from being strangers, to lovers and/or long-term romantic partners.

In its most basic and caricatured form, the Courtship Script goes something like this: Boy meets girl. Boy desires girl. Boy chases girl. Girl may or may not desire boy back, but either way, she rejects his advances, and “plays hard to get.” Boy persists in hot pursuit, in the face of seemingly insurmountable odds. Eventually, girl gives in to his devotion, submits to his penetrating desire, and surrenders to the love/sex she actually wanted all along.

There’s no question that many men and women find some version of this basic Script “hot” and “romantic.” There’s also no question that it flies in the face of the new standards of consent—sometimes called “yes means yes” or “affirmative consent”—that are fast becoming consensus on the liberal side of the political spectrum.

What happens when a newly-evolving standard of consent flatly contradicts widely-held notions of romance and eroticism? Do we de-prioritize romance, sexual tension, seduction and eroticism (which I refer to loosely as “Eros”) in the name of safety? Or do we develop new notions of Eros that fit with our evolving standards of emotionally-safe, non-coercive sex? And what do we do about the fact that, for thousands of years, it was precisely the unsafety of Eros–its adventure, forbidden temptation, wildness, unpredictability, tension, and transgression–that made it so damn hot?

I don’t believe there are easy answers to any of these questions. I do believe, however, it’s crucial that we start discussing them more widely.

***

There is perhaps no better entryway to understanding the Courtship Script, and the problems with it from a consent perspective, than by examining the annual controversy that occurs—right around this time of year—over the holiday classic “Baby, It’s Cold Outside,” written by Frank Loesser in 1944.

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December 23, 2017 by
Self-Education and Self-Investment

The Story of the $100 Million Urinal

The most valuable urinal the world has ever known was created in New York City in 1917.

It had no diamonds in it, nor any precious stones at all. It was not made of gold or platinum, but of porcelain, just like every other urinal. In fact, in every respect, it was just like every other urinal, into which the common men of the time were relieving themselves in the public bathrooms around the world.

In 1917, an artist calling himself R. Mutt signed his name to such a urinal—said to be a Bedfordshire model bought at a foundry showroom on Fifth Avenue—and submitted it to an exhibition organized by the Society of Independent Artists, paying their $6 fee. Even though it was a nonjuried exhibit, open to anyone who paid the fee, the Society’s board took the extraordinary step of exercising jury powers. They turned down Mr. Mutt’s submission as not being art and returned the urinal to him with a rejection slip.

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November 28, 2017 by
Adey Bell, Videos

The Goddesspell of Adey Bell #2: “The Daughter of Swords and the Son of Cups”

While many people are wearing plastic witch costumes today that they bought from Walmart… Here’s REAL-LIFE witch Adey Bell, in Episode 2 of my web series, “Our Witchy Little Matriarchy: The Goddesspell of Adey Bell.”

In this episode, entitled “The Daughter of Swords and the Son of Cups,” Adey reads cards from the audience at her recent gig at Jackson Wellsprings, interspersed with candid behind-the-scenes clips- then blesses us with a gorgeous rendition of her song “The Light.” Get your Wishcraft on… Happy Halloween everyone!

You’ll see in this video that her song choice matched the message she gave in her reading right before the song. She was doing this all night. I thought she was adjusting the readings to fit her preconceived setlist, but it turns out, no, she didn’t have a setlist. She was choosing her songs in the moment based on the readings. That just blew me away. A real-life live divination jukebox. Adey, you never cease to amaze….

For free music, tour dates, and new album updates, get on Adey’s list here

October 31, 2017 by
Uncategorized

Douche Reform School*, Lesson 1: When She Says She Wants to Be “Just Friends”

Scenario:

You’ve brought a woman back to your place a after a date or a social gathering. You lean in for a kiss. She turns her head to the side, pulls back, and says, “Let’s just be friends.”

Douche moves:

  1. Assume it’s “token resistance,” that she really does want to hook up with you and she’s “playing hard to get,” and “she’s just saying that” (so as not to seem “easy” or “slutty.”
    1. Say, “No problem, I totally get it.” Wait five minutes. Then move in for another kiss.
    2. If she brushes you away again, and/or says, “I’m really not feeling that way about you,” wait another five minutes. Then move in again, and again, in five-minute intervals, until she has pushes you away, and asks you to leave.
  2. Try to convince her otherwise. Ask her a bunch of questions like, “Why aren’t you into me?” “What do the other guys have that I don’t have.” “What’s so wrong with me?” These are especially effective for the purposes of doucheness if said in a mopey, sorry-for-yourself tone.
  3. Lie (to her, to yourself, or both) and say, “OK, that’s cool, we can just be friends,” as if you actually wanted that. But then immediately let any enthusiasm you had about her vanish, fade away and stop returning her calls or calling her, and let the “friendship” die on the vine. Extra douche points if you’re super awkward and evasive when you see her or talk to her.
  4. Act/feel like she’s done something wrong and unfair to you, and blame her for your hurt. “You’ve been flirting with me all night. . .” “You’ve been giving me mixed signals for months. . .” “You led me on.” These might even be true to some degree (though you should be aware that science has proven guys are way overly-optimistic about even minor supposed “signals.” But even if these statements are true to some degree, it doesn’t mean she that just because she flirted or gave you any signals, she is obliged to take it further.) Worse: “You’re such a tease.”
  5. Say, in an upset, accusatory tone, “Fine, I should just go then,” and storm out. (This is especially douchey if it wasn’t a date or some other clear romantic context to begin with.)
  6. Worse, get angry at her. Reject her back, as if you were the one who rejected her first. As you storm out and slam the door, say “You’re not that hot anyways.”

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October 13, 2017 by
Uncategorized

Douche Reform School*: How Not to Be a Douche When Commenting on Threads About Feminism/Women’s Issues/Men’s Transgressions

Guys… we need to get something. Most of the time, when we comment on threads on Facebook and elsewhere about feminism, “women’s/trans/queer issues” (which should be EVERYONE’s issues), and/or men’s transgressions, we completely fuck it up. Then we get called “douches.” Then we get defensive, angry, and menacing for being called douches, and/or we get mopey and sad. Then we commit all the douchey things women are asking us not to do again in response, digging ourselves deeper. Then the dialogue (or more commonly, debate or flame war) ends when everyone involves gets too sick of continuing it. Then everyone leaves the encounter feeling even more shitty and like nothing was resolved.

Guys, we need to do better, and we can do better. Which is why I’m writing this post. To help us, at the very least, be less douchey starting right now, and ideally, not douchey at all and even constructive and supportive, if/when we choose to participate in the online dialogues and threads that are (understandably) becoming both more frequent, and more heated, now that we have a narcissistic, openly misogynist, paleo-patriarchal asshole in the White House

(Douchey being defined as, some combination of: arrogant, defensive, entitled, ignorant, willfully ignorant, tone-deaf, explicitly or implicitly sexist or misogynist, disrespectful, and/or condescending.)

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September 29, 2017 by
Adey Bell, Videos

The Goddesspell of Adey Bell #1: “Moon Blood”

“Our Witchy Little Matriarchy: The Goddesspell of Adey Bell” – the new web series I’m creating. This episode is entitled “Moon Blood,” and it’s very… um… witchy. In the episode, we cover earth magic based on menstrual cycles, the suppressed role of Mary Magdalene in the Jesus story, the proper role of men in a matriarchy, and you also get to see a smoking-hot rendition of Adey Bell‘s song “Power,” live at Orcas Center, WA, 8/26/17.

This web series is a fan’s backstage perspective, replete with plenty of concert footage I’ve filmed over the years, documenting the journey of a masterful musician, and infinitely colorful character, who is gearing up for 2018 to be her breakout year.

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September 19, 2017 by
Audio, Sex

6 Annoying Cliches of “Conscious Sexuality” and How to Move Past Them

Here is my second in a series of audio interviews with Michaela Boehm, one of the most subtle, advanced and wise teachers about sexuality, spirituality, and the intersection of the two, currently teaching.

Today’s interview gets controversial- it is entitled “6 Annoying Cliches About ‘Conscious Sexuality,’ and How to Move Past Them”

In this interview, we analyze several ideas about “masculine” and “feminine” that have become dogma within teaching about conscious sexuality.

Specifically, we examine the cliches that men are supposed to be “present, deep, and on purpose” in order to be masculine, whereas women are supposed to be a “wild storm of emotions, radiant, and surrendered” in order to be feminine.

These concepts have become so ingrained in the west coast workshop and personal development culture that we rarely step back to examine where the concepts might be leading us astray.

We discuss where these ideas came from, how they are misunderstood and misapplied, and ways to think about these concepts that don’t lock people into rigid pre-defined gender roles.

In this interview (linked from the comments section), Michaela teaches us about:

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March 5, 2017 by
Sex Work

Here’s Why a Judge Thinks Prop 60 Would Be a Horrifying Legal Precedent – Vote NO

no-on-prop-60At an event I attended last weekend, I happened to meet an actual, currently-working judge (the first judge I’ve ever met in person.) I asked her for her opinion on Prop 60, and she’d never heard of it, and she had no opinion on condoms in porn. But the more I started telling her the legal details, the more she literally started to both laugh and gasp at the outrageousness and legal absurdity of what she was hearing.

She said laws that encourage so-called “taxpayer lawsuits” initiated by citizens to sue alleged violators of regulations were common. But she had never heard of a law or proposed law that offers large financial bounties to citizens to initiate these lawsuits. She said this was an incredibly dangerous and ominous prospect, because once it passes it becomes standing legal precedent.

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November 8, 2016 by