Erotic Media

Does porn ruin relationships?

I recently engaged in a Facebook thread on this topic. Here were two of my responses on the thread:

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To those saying “yes,” I ask this non-rhetorically: 

Do you believe that women masturbating with dildos or vibrators, possibly fantasizing about people or scenarios other than their current relationship, ruins relationships to the same degree that men masturbating while fantasizing with pornography does? Would you also say that women reading (and sometimes masturbating with) erotica, which is often exactly as explicit and taboo as visual pornography, but in words, ruins relationships? 

If not, what is the credible distinction between these various types of masturbation? 

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Misc

Social Survivalism: Cultivating High-Trust Networks Before Disaster Strikes

On Oct 8th, with ~7 hours notice, I–along with much of Northern California–learned that electricity would be going out for possibly a week. It was a preventive power-outage to avoid catastrophic climate-related wildfires like the ones in the last few years. 

This highlighted for me why, of the myriad things I procrastinate on, disaster prep was not a good one. (Especially because I also live directly on top of the Hayward faultline in Berkeley.)

The Pacific Gas and Electric Company site was down due to all the people frantically checking for info. (Hey PG&E, maybe investing in more bandwidth during emergencies would be a cost-effective move?)

From the spotty information (rumors?) I could get online I learned water could go out during this time as well. 

Frantic trip to Home Depot for flashlights, batteries, candles, water jugs, first aid kits. Shopping carts full of non-perishables at El Cerrito Natural Grocery (oh God so Bay Area!)–prepping for Armageddon, gluten-free.

Filling car gas tank (could serve as a generator for devices.) Filling up bathtub and every container in the house with water. Making last-minute calls saying I may be out of touch (info online said cell towers would work, but ya never know.) 

Seeing how much my life seemed like it could upend with the possibility of ~7 days without basic civilizational utilities, and the degree to which I was reduced to a nervous ninny, brought to mind a series I wrote a while ago but never published on topics related to the end of civilization as we know it. Now seems like a good time to share it! 

Social Survivalism:
Cultivating High-Trust Networks Before Disaster Strikes

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Misc

Finding Your Own Treasure Map

(The small changes that change everything…)

One day many years ago, 47-year-old Steve Cooksey asked his wife to take him to the emergency room, and he collapsed the moment he got there. They put him in a wheelchair and, suspecting the symptoms of diabetes, took his blood sugar reading. It was at 740 mg/dl, which is off the charts. (A normal range, at fasting level, is around 80-130.)

Steve passed out a few times in the ER, and the doctor told him he was on the verge of a full-blown diabetic coma, a medical emergency that can be fatal. They kept him in ICU for four days with all kinds of IVs stuck in him before they could get his blood sugar down to a safe level.

“My lifestyle up until that point, in one phrase, was ‘sedentary sloth,’” Steve told me. “My normal breakfast was going to Bojangle’s Chicken ‘n Biscuits and getting a couple of biscuits with their sweet tea and Bo-tato Rounds® [hash browns]. Then I’d go out to lunch I’d get bread and rolls and buns, and I’d eat spaghetti. If I wanted to eat ‘healthy,’ I’d get a big-ass salad, but I’d use the sugary salad dressing. If we went to fast food, I’d get a big Subway sub, with juice or Gatorade or Pepsi. My lunches were full of carbs. For dinner, I’d stop and eat a Big Mac or a Big Fish sandwich, with French fries and sweet teas. I was feeding that carb addiction 16 hours a day. At my peak, I was around 235 lbs [at a height of 5’10”]—and that was not muscle.”

As they let him out of the hospital, the nurse gave him a copy of the Food Pyramid to put in his pocket and told him to keep his eating below 2,200 calories.

That was the only dietary advice any medical professional at the hospital gave him after he nearly died.

“When I heard that, I thought, ‘That’s basically like I eat now!’ I could still eat bread and cookies and drink juice on the diet they were recommending to me.” Instead of rejoicing at this freedom, Steve suspected there was a deeper issue here. He intuitively felt that there must be some link between all the sugar and carbs he was eating, and his blood sugar issues, even though the hospital doctors assured him there was none. He began looking into the matter.

Steve’s general practitioner suggested that some diabetic patients were having success with a low-glycemic diet. Cooksey bought The New Glucose Revolution by Dr. Jennie Brand-Miller and Kaye Foster-Powell and started following its low-carb prescription. “Very soon, I needed less and less insulin. By the end of March, I was off all the drugs they had put me on in the hospital. They had told me I was going to be on a lot of these for the rest of my life, but I refused to believe that. Just a month later, I was off cholesterol drugs, I was off blood pressure drugs, I was off diabetes drugs, and I was off insulin.”

Impressed with the power of this simple dietary change, he began learning more about low-carb diets. He discovered the paleo diet, which encourages followers to focus on foods available in our ancestral environment such as meats, fruits, and vegetables, and to avoid recent additions to the human diet such as grains, legumes, and of course, refined sugar.

Cooksey dove headlong into paleo and adopted this lifestyle and philosophy as a central part of his life. “I’ve been on a rocket ever since. I’m 52 years old. I’m in the best shape of my life.” Steve recently weighed in at 165 pounds, having lost around 70 pounds since the day of the hospital. Like many Paleo enthusiasts, he’s embraced the trend of barefoot running—and recently completed a challenge of 100 barefoot miles in 30 days. He’s ripped now too.

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Had Steve listened to what the hospital doctors told him, he’d still be eating the Food Pyramid way, and he’d probably still be overweight and stuck on meds.

Instead, Steve Cooksey decided to go searching for a map to his own treasure.

Right now, out there in the world, there are hundreds of hidden treasures within your life

These are opportunities and changes that will take you to the next level. To find these hidden treasures, you need what I call a “Treasure Map.” This consists of the small clues of information that will have a significant impact on your life if you follow them.

For Steve, a vital clue of the treasure map in his life consisted of these three words: “eat low glycemic.” Had he not found that clue, and followed it, his life would be radically more miserable. He might not even be alive.

However, not only are the treasures hidden; the correct maps themselves are hidden. They are hidden, primarily, by all the competing maps, drowning out the relatively few ones that will actually work for you, in a cacophony of contradictory information, messages, strategies, tactics and approaches that won’t end up working for you.

If you know there’s hidden treasure in your life, here’s one thing that almost as bad as having no map at all: having hundreds of competing, contradictory maps.

These competing maps tend to have massive marketing or lobbying budgets, promoting them and belong to a system of wealth-holders who have a significant stake in you believing the misinformation. In most cases, the wealth-holders themselves believe the misinformation is true and applicable to you, which makes them that much harder to spot.

The problem is not lack of information; more information is available to you in your pocket, while you’re sitting on a bus or train, than was available to the greatest emperors of history, with their legions of clerks in their imperial libraries.

Rather, the problem is TMI… too much information! Specifically, not knowing which, out of the millions of terabytes of information now available to you, are the bits that will work for you.

That last phrase, “works for you,” is crucial. In telling Steve’s story, my point is not necessarily that paleo will work for you. It may or it may not. I’m not a nutrition expert, and I’m not here to recommend any particular diet or lifestyle change for you.

Instead, my point is that there are probably some simple changes in each of the major contexts of your life—nutrition, fitness, career and earning power, socializing and relationships, creativity, mindset—that will be game-changers for you, as dramatically as paleo was for Steve. These are the clues in your treasure map. Your job is to go find the clues that work for you and to construct the map to the treasures waiting for you in the rest of your life.

Over the next several weeks, I’m sharing a new email series, “Finding Your Own Treasure Map.”

**Get access to the next installment by signing up for my newsletter – via the link in the first comment**

Let’s go treasure hunting together!

–Michael

Consent, Sex

Practice Loving People You’re Attracted to Unconditionally

One of the greatest positive shifts in my relations with women occurred when I learned to have friendships with women I was attracted to, but who were not attracted to me back. Given that I was constantly attracted to women erotically, and only a fraction felt the same way about me, this shift was as important to make as it was challenging.

It is so easy for a man to remain in a “friendship” of unrequited lust in hopes that he might “get lucky” and “one day” she might see “what a great guy I am.” We men get a lot of cultural reenforcement for these hopes too, as the romantic trope of the guy who “doesn’t stand a chance” but who persists in his valiant efforts to “win her heart” in the face of horrible odds, but ends up “getting the girl” in the end, is the plot line of like 75% of all romantic movies and novels.

But a friendship born of persistence in pursuit of a sexual goal is not real friendship–a friendship with an agenda is a farce. And the attraction ends up coming out anyways, in uncomfortable, unwanted and awkward passes that catch the woman by surprise, make her feel manipulated (as she questions whether it was ever a “real” friendship,) and end up in the man feeling bitter about being rejected and having his desires invalidated yet again in his path towards romance and Eros.

Which–since the traditional Courtship Script has assigned men the role of initiators of romantic and sexual interest and women as the responders–has probably been going on since he mustered up the nerve to walk across the dance floor in the gym at the middle school dance, ask the girl to dance, and get rejected in front of all his classmates. Bitterness and resentment spreads all around, for boys and girls, men and women, and all genders.

Is there a way out? This is an urgent question. Continue Reading

Human Capital, Self-Education and Self-Investment

The Secret of Grounded Confidence

When I say the “secret” of grounded confidence, I mean both that there’s a secret to gaining it (which I’ll be sharing below)… but also, that grounded confidence itself is a secret!

What do I mean?

Well, when you hear the phrase “gain confidence,” what comes to mind?

Maybe you think of some kind of pep-talk, from a mentor, coach, “motivational speaker” or “transformational leader.”

(Those in latter two groups sell expensive seminars where you jump in chairs all weekend, scream in groups, and hear inspiring stories about other people who took the upsell seminar and now live on yachts, etc…)

These forms of “confidence” are like jolts of coffee… good for a few hours, or even days (hey, that’s some strong coffee!) But then the crash comes… and you need the next external fix.

In contrast, grounded confidence is based on:

A back-and-forth dialogue between inner confidence, and improvement in external results.

(The last part–external results–is where the “grounded” part comes in.)

Let me tell you a little story about grounded confidence, and how to gain it.

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Human Capital, Self-Education and Self-Investment

You Are a Contrarian Investment

Most people who haven’t already “made it” are lucky to have a few people who truly have rock-solid, investible faith in them. Maybe their parents (if they’re lucky!) Maybe a few really close friends, or a mentor they’ve been lucky to find.

But in a typical lifespan–before you’ve “made it,” however you define that– the main person who is going to have faith in you is you.

That means, before you’ve reached the level of success you desire in life, investing in yourself is a form of contrarian investing. (Investing that goes against the crowd.) And a form that I think is much more doable, valuable, and safe than contrarian investing in the markets. Continue Reading

Human Capital, Self-Education and Self-Investment

The Dirty Secret of the BS Investment Industry

If you’re wondering how you will provide for you and your family’s financial security in the future, you’ve probably considered saving money in your IRA or 401(k), and investing it in broad mutual funds tracking the US markets. Or you may have already done this.

If so, you’ve probably been lulled in by the personal finance industry’s PR that, “in the long run, the US stock market has gone up 7% per year annualized, after inflation.”

Sounds great, right? 7% per year is a doubling of your assets roughly every ten years. Just stick that money in there, don’t touch it again (“buy and hold,” or “passive investing”) and watch your wealth double every 10 years! (That’s a 12-fold increase over 40 years!)

The problem is, there’s a dirty secret to the investment business–one that the people selling you this BS advice don’t want you to know, because it would put them right out of business. Continue Reading

Human Capital, Self-Education and Self-Investment

The Key to Fool-Proof Investing

The key to fool-proof investing is truly internalizing the implications of the following unsettling fact.

Most people are fools when it comes to evaluating their own talent in many of their own skills. (Including, as we’ll see in a moment, investing.)

Unfortunately, chances are, that includes us.

Studies show that 95% of people believe they are “above-average” drivers. Continue Reading

Human Capital, Self-Education and Self-Investment

What Socrates Knows About Investing That You Don’t Know…

There’s a strong case to be made that the two sentences I’m about to share with you are the most influential in the entire history of Western philosophy.

They were uttered during the trial of Socrates for “corrupting the youth” in Athens, 399 BC–according to the version recounted by his disciple Plato.

According to Plato, Socrates said–while commenting on a negative run-in with a supposedly wise man of Athens:

“Although I do not suppose that either of us knows anything really beautiful and good, I am better off than he is–for he knows nothing, and thinks that he knows. I neither know nor think that I know.”

A basic reformulation of this, is that a fool can become wise, simply by knowing that he’s a fool. For he is then wiser than the most other people, who are also fools, but don’t realize that they are.

What does all of this have to do with investing? Continue Reading