Unless it’s intentionally for procreation, sex is purely a form of play (non-goal oriented activity). Men who are into women usually want to engage in much more of this form of play with women, than they’re currently doing. But they don’t know how to go from just talking, to playing sexually, in a way that women consistently say “Hell Yes!” to.
Recently, my friend Shana James interviewed me on this topic, in a segment she titled “Stepping Into the Sexual Power That Makes Women Melt”.
This is some of what I shared with her: you can’t just go from talking, to sexual play, without something in between (obviously.) So what is that something in between? Many guys think it is a bunch of pick up lines or funny banter. But that rarely works for most men.
What works better? To have what I call an “on-ramp to sexual play.” An on-ramp to sexual play is some form of less-explicit, body-based play that has you both interacting on the animal level, without the pressures, fears, or complications of sexual play.
This way, your bodies can get to know each other’s bodies playfully, before she decides whether she wants to have sex with you. She’s much more likely to be interested in the latter, if she likes the way your body plays with hers in a more relaxed, pressure-free context.
On-ramps that allow you to get into your bodies together could be dance, bodywork/massage, partner yoga, orgasmic meditation, kink/bdsm scenes (if you know what you’re doing)—anything that allows you to get into your animal bodies, and play together as sensual beings, without the pressures or complications of sex.
Think of it as the foreplay before the foreplay. This is the gap that most men are missing; most men on trying to get onto the sexual freeway, without on-ramps! It is much easier to invite a woman to play in your bodies together sensually in one of these ways, particularly if you’ve practiced one and gotten good at it, than it is to invite her to play with you sexually.
When guys pressure a woman for sex, or even kissing, without having played with her with one of these “on-ramps” first, it’s like asking her to play at rock-climbing up a sheer wall, before you’ve even gone on a hike with her.
Once you’re playing together in one of these realms, if you’re good at what you do, she gets much more of a sense of how you relate to your own body, and hers, and she’s much more likely to feel safe playing with you in the sexual realm later. But even if that doesn’t happen, you’ve still had a great time playing together as friends in the embodied realm.
Once you learn one “on-ramp to sexual play,” you don’t need to practice “pickup lines” or “game” anymore (I’m HORRIBLE at so-called “game”.) Instead, you should be practicing one of these playful “on-ramps”, getting really good at at least one body-based discipline you can share with her, and then offer enticing invitations to play with her there. (My main “on-ramps” I’ve gotten really good at are salsa dancing, and consensual sensual spanking.)
With these, I can provide a woman an amazing, sexy, embodied experience that feels safe to her, and that allows her to get to know my animal body and how it interacts with hers, before she has to decide whether she wants to take it further. It feels safe, fun, and sexy to both of us, without any pressure or awkwardness about where it may lead.
This is just one of the many things I talk about with Shana in my interview for her “Man Alive” series, “Stepping Into the Sexual Power That Makes Women Melt.” Check out the full interview here (not an affiliate link)