A Best Sexy Friend is the friend you can explore you sexuality with, without the pressures of a relationship, and without fear of being judged or shamed.
This is different than a “fuck buddy” because I take the word friend VERY seriously. When you are someone’s Best Sexy Friend, you are showing up for them first and foremost as a FRIEND–a true friend–in the realm of sexuality, and beyond. There is a code of honor for earning the privilege of being someone’s Best Sexy Friend–instead of being their BFF, you are they BSF–and I take that code very seriously.
–Code of Honor for Being a Best Sexy Friend (BSF)–
1. THE MOST IMPORTANT RULE: First and foremost, only choose to be BSFs with a perion you ACTUALLY want to a real, lasting friendship with, sex or not. Since this is a not a committed, long-term, monogamous relationship, people’s desire for ongoing sex with their BSF will probably wax and wane over time. So at some point, it is likely you will transition to purely platonic friends. You must be excited by that prospect—excited to be this amazing person’s friend for a long time, whether you’re sleeping with them or not in the future. If you’re not down with that then don’t go down this road.
2. HONESTY & TRANSPARENCY: You must be completely honest about your lifestyle, your intentions with your BSF, other lovers or relationships you have, sexual practices you engage in, STI testing and status, and anything else they would want to know about before engaging with you. Consent is not consent unless it is informed consent. Which brings us to…
3. CONSENT. To be a Best Sexy Friend, you must be obsessed with consent. In a recent article I wrote on affirmative consent, I talk about how, in my first few times interacting with a woman (which is the gender I date), I set up “no means no”—by giving her safewords she can use to stop the erotic connection between us at any time, for any reason—and also “yes means yes,” by asking her explicitly if she is OK with any particular escalation of physical touch.
(Here is my biggest single tip on how to use affirmative consent without killing the erotic mood. Instead of asking, for example, just “May I kiss you?” which few people find erotic, look your partner deeply in the eyes and communicate your desire first. Say, with total presence and passion, “I REALLY want to kiss you right now… May I?” That is SO MUCH hotter than just without expressing your raging desire first. It keeps the desire hot, and establishes affirmative consent, in one swoop.)
4. ZERO PRESSURE. As a Best Sexy Friend, you can and should make suggestions. You can and should make offers. You can and should make invitations. You may gently guide your BSF into being curious about trying something new… But you must NEVER pressure them.
As soon as your BSF starts feeling pressured by you, the friendship will end soon. They want to feel totally safe sexually in your presence, and part of them feeling safe is knowing that they will never be pressured, badgered, cajoled, or shamed by you about where they’re at sexually and what they are and aren’t comfortable with at any given moment, ever.
4. COMMIT TO FEELING, UPHOLDING AND HONORING YOUR BSF’s BOUNDARIES EVEN WHEN THEY’RE CONFLICTED INSIDE OR GIVING MIXED MESSAGES.
The key here is, NEVER do anything with your Best Sexy Friend that you think even part of them would regret in the morning. (This is particularly relevant when there are drugs or alcohol involved–see Rule 6.)
One night, I was playing with a woman, and we had agreed that we weren’t going to have intercourse that night. But in our play together, she looked me in the eyes, and said, “I want you to fuck me, right now.”
I said, “That’s not going to happen. We agreed that we wouldn’t do that tonight.”
She said, “I don’t care. I need you to fuck me right now.”
“If we did that,” I said, “you would regret it in the morning, and you would lose all respect for me,” I said.
Her body language relaxed, from aroused sex tigress into vulnerable friend, she let out a sigh, and she said, “You’re right.” So we didn’t fuck that night. She said she came to trust and respect me on a deeper level that night.
5. COMMIT TO OPENING YOUR HEARTS, WHILE PRACTICING *NOT* PUTTING HOOKS IN EACH OTHER
I call this “untangled love” (I’ve written about untangled love here.) If you go as deep as I do with my BSFs, strong emotions will arise within both of you. You must completely honor and respect whatever emotions come up. AND you must have a framework for how to handle these emotions, outside of the normal railroad tracks leading to committed monogamy and/or marriage. Committed relationship is not what is being explored with a Best Sexy Friend; the point of a Best Sexy Friendship is to create a safe space where we can explore our erotic selves without all the pressures, expectations, complications, and inevitable projections that happen in committed relationship, many of which complicate or even halt sexual exploration entirely.
Usually, one can have deeper, more heart-connected sex in a committed relationship, no doubt. But when people are not in a relationship, or when they’re in one and the sex is not working well (and they have permission to have a lover), that doesn’t mean they should stop having hot, passionate, edgy, expansive sex.
Also, it is sometimes easier for people to explore naughtier, darker, edgier aspects of their sexuality with someone they know less well, as there can freedom and disinhibition in relative newness.
This friendship should feel very heart-connected, AND you must both commit to nip any “hooks” you start putting in each other in the bud. A hook is basically anytime you start having unexpressed expectations of each other, beyond being honest and respectful in your interactions. “Why haven’t I seen you for 2 weeks?” etc. (Unless you’ve explicitly agreed to see each other every two weeks.)
A hook occurs anytime one of you starts to feel you have a “claim” on the other, that has not been explicitly negotiated beforehand. Claim is a powerful experience, but that is not what we’re exploring here; we’re exploring how wide can we open each others hearts, while still being completely free and independent of each other. Caring without claim; caring with total freedom.
6. IF EITHER ONE OF YOU DRINKS OR GETS HIGH, DISCUSS BOUNDARIES BEFORE GETTING INTOXICATED.
Friends like to drink together. I like to smoke weed with my friends. But drugs and alcohol change your perceptions of what you do and don’t want to do. Obviously. Which is the main reason people take drugs and alcohol in the first place! To get over hangups, inhibitions, and to have fun.
But here’s the thing. If you’re going to intentionally take a substance that lowers your sexual inhibitions, you need to pay attention to what your self, and your partner’s self, will be happy about, when those selves are SOBER the next morning. (See Rule 4.)
The easiest way, most simple, and beginner-proof way to do this is to agree to what the limits/boundaries are before any intoxication occurs. This can be accomplished by setting up specific “off limits” activities beforehand, such as, “Let’s not have intercourse tonight.”
A more advanced, but still totally legitimate way to handle this, is that we make an agreement that we are both willing to take responsibility for our intoxicated behavior, so long as “no means no” and “yes means yes” is followed impeccably (See Rule 3.)
But the point is, we have a discussion about how our impending inebriation is going to interact with our boundaries that night. Furthermore, we are all adults here. We all take responsibility for our own inebriation, knowing our dose, and what they do and don’t do while inebriated. The important thing is, it must be a topic of discussion, and not “assumed” that anything goes while drunk or high. And if your partner is so inebriated that you begin to question whether they are capable of making sound decisions, then it’s time to call it quits for the evening.
7. LEARN HOW TO EXPAND HER SEXUAL EDGES.
A great way to be Best Sexy Friends for each other is to guide each other into areas of sexuality one partner has experience with and the other partner doesn’t. To do this, you will need to spend as much time as you can learning about as many sexual practices as you can. This will allow you to introduce your BSF to new things, so you are always going on an adventure together. Learn about bodywork, massage, and how to stroke genitals. Develop an exquisite touch that awakens their senses. If you like, learn how to be erotically dominant (within a container of consent) and also how to surrender, so they can explore their dominant side with you.
Practice elaborate role-plays. Some of the most delicious time I spend with my Best Sexy Friends is in extended, elaborate role plays–we often do role-plays within role-plays, where the characters take on characters, and basically we just completely leave ourselves into a world of fantasy, play and fun.
Hire teachers (or find informal teachers) to learn a few kinky disciplines. Master one discipline before you move on to another. Learn about tantra sacred sexuality. Learn how to give mind-blowing oral sex. Learn, learn, learn, from every teacher you can find.
8. BE AN EROTIC MATCHMAKER
A Best Sexy Friend is usually in a mood to explore their sexuality widely. Make your whole life a sexual oasis and playground for them, by introducing them to other quality lovers who might be able to unlock or unleash something in them that they want unlocked or unleashed.
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If you practice this Code of Honor impeccably, your Best Sexy Friend will feel totally safe, honored, respected, and seen in your presence, and they will feel comfortable and excited to explore their sexuality with you. With just one or two Best Sexy Friends in your life, life gets really exciting, really fast!
